I AM PTSD

I’ve come to visit you once again. I love to see you suffer mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially. I want to make you restless, say you can never relax. I want you jumpy, nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable confused and depressed so that you can’t think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody, especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for things you have seen and done in the past, and all those things that happened to you, that you’ll never be able to let go of. I want to make you angry and hateful toward world for the way it is and the way you are.

I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but yourself for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful, to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all. I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can’t sleep without me. I am even in you dreams. I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you see and feel. I would be happy to put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know I’ll be waiting for you when you get out. I love to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I’m causing you.

I can’t help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and slept at the same time and when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet. I want you to turn to alcohol and drugs to try to suppress me.

It’s amazing to watch you and being not able to hold me down. It’s amazing how much damage I can be to your internal organs while at the same time work on your brain destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me. The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All refined friends that you deeply cared for and gave up for me. And, what’s more, the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions, I am even more grateful especially for your loved ones, your family, and the most important people in the world to you, you even threw them away for me.

I cannot express in words of the gratitude I have for loyalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things you can still depend on me to take even more.

You can depend on me to keep you in a living hell, to keep your minds, body and soul for you will not be free until you are dead my friend.